Give to the Church

April 25, 2012

When I was younger and one of my friends used the expression “Praying to the porcelain God” it meant only one thing. I was recently at a friends house and I noticed the name of the manufacturer of his…ah…throne, was CHURCH. I’m spiritual, not religious, so my first thought was “How poetic”. My second thought  (and the reason for this post) was “What better place to ‘Pray to the porcelain God’ than at a throne made by the Church?”  Fortunately, it’s been years since I’ve had to “Pray” from too much drinking. Thanks to Alanis Morissette I’m unsure as to what’s ironic so I’m not sure if it’s ironic or just an funny coincidence.

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There is a giant weed growing next to my front door. It’s now 4 feet tall. My first thought about it was “Feed me Seymour!” (the man eating plant from Little shop of horrors.) My second thought was the Body snatchers pods. But I think I’ll go with my third thought. If I let the weed grow, eventually I’ll be able to climb it and steal the giants gold.


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Talking to Me

April 20, 2012

Me: It’s Friday, and just when I think my shitty week is over, the  rain is coming. It’s supposed to rain all weekend. No riding. No beach.

Myself: Sigh.
Me: Well, I could go out.
Myself:Yes!
Me: Maybe tomorrow.
Myself: Boo!
Me: Maybe I’ll paint. Maybe play guitar… write a song.
Myself: Yawn.
Me: Of course, I have to do laundry.
Myself: Laundry? Really? Nobody gives a shit about your laundry!
Me: Perhaps I’ll watch some of the bazillon shows on my DVR.
Myself: Boring!
Me: Maybe I’ll just catch up on some much needed sleep.
Myself: Can’t argue with that…
Me: Cool?
Myself: Cool.

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17

April 16, 2012

I had an excellent childhood, two loving parents, and I was a good kid. I didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. Not yet. I would eventually dabble in all three, but that’s another story for another time. I was 17 and invincible.  I was a football player, and at that age, I couldn’t fathom how fragile the human body really is. I couldn’t possibly understand that we are only here for a cosmic blink of an eye.

There were two passengers with me. Both friends of mine. Both a year younger. We’d been out playing miniature golf at Putt Putt. We were running late getting home, and I didn’t want to be late. I didn’t want to disappoint, to…take advantage of the trust I had with my parents. None of us were wearing seat belts.

It was summer and I remember the heat. It was so damn hot, oppressively hot and muggy. I remember making a right down Glasgow Drive. I’ve no idea how fast I was driving. I remembered too late the curve at the end of the street, and I was driving too fast to make it safely. I remember trying to brake, turning the wheel, willing the car to stop. I remember twisting my body, gripping the steering wheel with both hands at the “12 O’ Clock” position and I remember thinking “this is gonna hurt”.

I remember a loud boom as the car hit the tree, then nothing…then…I heard static…the radio. Someone pulled me from the wreckage. To this day, I’ve no idea who. I propped myself up on my elbows and looked around. One of my friends was lying on the ground beside me. I grabbed his hand, squeezed and tried to tell him everything would be ok.  His eyes were wide open. he didn’t respond. He was in shock.

I could hear the sirens getting closer. I couldn’t seem make my eyes focus and my nose was running. I reached up to wipe it and my hand came away bloody. My nose felt like mashed potatoes. I thought it was weird that it didn’t hurt. Now I knew why my vision was blurry. I’m pretty sure the cops arrived first. Officer Brown questioned me. I told him I was the driver, we were on our way home. No we hadn’t been drinking. No we don’t do drugs. I gave him my licence. I told him to keep it, that I wouldn’t be needing it again. I felt sure my parents would never let me drive again. He laughed and told me to hang onto it anyway.

I knew my leg was broken. It was numb, I couldn’t move it, and it was doing a very unnatural “U” turn. Weird that it didn’t hurt. Yet.

By this time the paramedics had arrived and had begun working on me. I tried to cooperate but I wanted to know where my other friend was. I kept asking about him and i was meet by blank stares. “We’re working on you. We don’t know about him.” I told them his dad was a Captain on the police force, but I couldn’t get any answers from them. My heart sank. I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. “He’s dead”, I thought. “I killed him”.

As they put me in the ambulance, I remember feeling very cold, and thinking how amazing these people were who were working on me. They were sweating, I could see it. All the way to the hospital all I could think about was the friend I had killed. That and how it was weird that I didn’t feel any pain.

This is a true story. I publish it now because I have a niece who is turning 16 and is learning to drive. I don’t hold much hope that it will make much difference. I doubt hearing this story would have made any difference to my 17 year old self. But if just one person passes this story and pictures on to their kid and it makes them slow down…

The pain finally came, and stayed for months. My other friend lived. They had to cut him out of the car. He was lodged between the passenger seat and the passenger door. He had been ridding in the back seat. I cannot begin to describe to you how it feels to think you killed someone. I hope no one ever has to feel that.

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Archer

April 11, 2012

I am told that I am funny. Not in a stand up comedy kind of way or a “Have you heard the one about…” joke telling kinda way. I’m the guy who breaks the tension with a quick witted quip. I see things many people miss and can quickly verbally post something funny about it. I can also usually find a movie quote to fit any situation. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” Ok, most situations.

I’m definitely not like most people when it comes to what I think is funny. For instance, I have never laughed at anything Jay Leno has said. Ever. I do not think he’s funny at all. I’m the one guy who doesn’t “Love” Ray Ramono from Everybody Loves Raymond. Can’t stand him. His voice is so annoying. Never,  not even for a second, have I ever thought George Lopez was funny. Also add to the list of unfunny, Johnny Carson, Bob Hope, Jeff Foxworthy, Joan Rivers, and Rosey O’Donnell. I could go on and on about who I think is not funny, but I wont.

Who and or what do I think is funny? I’m glad you asked. As far as comedians? Ron white, Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle, and Tina Fey all make me laugh.

How about late night hosts Sam? Again, thanks for asking. Conan, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel, again, all make me laugh.

What about Daytime TV you say? Got that covered too. Ellen Degeneres is funny. Even when she’s serious, she’s funny.  And what list would be complete with out the Daily Show and the Cobert Report, though mostly the Daily Show. Smart and funny. (Just like I like my women)

For simply laugh out loud humor though, nothing beats the Family Guy. The Simpsons are a very close second.  But my favorite show to bust out laughing is a little gem know as Archer. It’s a smart and funny action packed crazy ADULT cartoon about a dysfunctional, arrogant, alcoholic, narcissistic, abusive, and rich Spy with mommy issues, and the group of characters that he works with for the Spy Agency ISIS. (His mother owns the agency.) Season 3, on FX just ended.

Archer

Poster from FX

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I Did Have Sunscreen On

April 10, 2012

Last Saturday I rode to Great Falls Park,VA. I had previously only been to the MD side of the falls. It was beautiful and peaceful. I only wish I could have  captured the true size and power of this beautiful river and falls.

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I needed TP. (Toilet Paper). So I went to Target with a list* and got my TP and some other things. As I was leaving, I saw this.

Kiddy Carts

Please click to see what it says on the bag

Sad that they had to put on a warning like that, but I’m too tired for a full blown rant. Next time friends, next time.

*A nod to Becca

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Happy Easter

April 8, 2012

My Favorite!

Reese's Egg

Enjoy this Related Story

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“If Swallowed…”

April 6, 2012

I bought this just to photograph the warning on the back.

LipShield

Click to Enlarge

Warning

Click to Enlarge

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Turns out the same warning is on my regular ChapStick, so I guess there’s nothing to be worried about right?

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The 5 Seeing Habits

April 5, 2012

Deep breath…I was so angry tonight. I know it’s not healthy, to be so angry. But I just don’t understand why people are such shitty drivers. So rather than ranting on about the dipshit and douche bag drivers in my part of the world, I offer instead some tips that I picked up during my years as a U.P.S. Driver. They were rules for me, take them as tips for yourself. They will make you a better driver. Years ago I gave my mom a copy of the “Rules” and at seventy…ah…I mean twenty-nine…she is one senor citizen I am not afraid to ride with.

Rule 1: Aim High In Steering
Basically this means look down the road not just right in front of your vehicle. This lets you see any potential problems before they become your problem.

Rule 2: Get The Big Picture
Use all of your windshield. Avoid tunnel vision. See everything from left to right, like looking at a picture.

Rule 3: Keep Your Eyes Moving
Scan your mirrors. Use your mirrors! Be aware of who’s around you. Look forward and back, left and right.

Rule 4: Leave Yourself An Out
Try not to get boxed in. Always keep a space open to which you can escape. If the person next to you drifts into your lane and you’re boxed in you’re screwed. But if you’ve left yourself room to escape you can avoid a potential accident. Same thing if you’ve left yourself space in front. Say the car your following slams on their brakes, if you’ve left yourself space in front or on the left or right, and you’re following rules 1 and 2, then you can “escape” from rear ending someone.

Rule 5: Make Sure They See You
Use your turn signals, horn, lights, whatever it takes to make sure the other drivers see you. Never assume they see you.

In my opinion, these Rules should be translated into every language and made a mandatory part of any training to gain the privilege of driving.

Space and Visibility

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Check List

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