Archer

April 11, 2012

I am told that I am funny. Not in a stand up comedy kind of way or a “Have you heard the one about…” joke telling kinda way. I’m the guy who breaks the tension with a quick witted quip. I see things many people miss and can quickly verbally post something funny about it. I can also usually find a movie quote to fit any situation. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” Ok, most situations.

I’m definitely not like most people when it comes to what I think is funny. For instance, I have never laughed at anything Jay Leno has said. Ever. I do not think he’s funny at all. I’m the one guy who doesn’t “Love” Ray Ramono from Everybody Loves Raymond. Can’t stand him. His voice is so annoying. Never,  not even for a second, have I ever thought George Lopez was funny. Also add to the list of unfunny, Johnny Carson, Bob Hope, Jeff Foxworthy, Joan Rivers, and Rosey O’Donnell. I could go on and on about who I think is not funny, but I wont.

Who and or what do I think is funny? I’m glad you asked. As far as comedians? Ron white, Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle, and Tina Fey all make me laugh.

How about late night hosts Sam? Again, thanks for asking. Conan, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel, again, all make me laugh.

What about Daytime TV you say? Got that covered too. Ellen Degeneres is funny. Even when she’s serious, she’s funny.  And what list would be complete with out the Daily Show and the Cobert Report, though mostly the Daily Show. Smart and funny. (Just like I like my women)

For simply laugh out loud humor though, nothing beats the Family Guy. The Simpsons are a very close second.  But my favorite show to bust out laughing is a little gem know as Archer. It’s a smart and funny action packed crazy ADULT cartoon about a dysfunctional, arrogant, alcoholic, narcissistic, abusive, and rich Spy with mommy issues, and the group of characters that he works with for the Spy Agency ISIS. (His mother owns the agency.) Season 3, on FX just ended.

Archer

Poster from FX

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I needed TP. (Toilet Paper). So I went to Target with a list* and got my TP and some other things. As I was leaving, I saw this.

Kiddy Carts

Please click to see what it says on the bag

Sad that they had to put on a warning like that, but I’m too tired for a full blown rant. Next time friends, next time.

*A nod to Becca

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Stop doing that!|

April 3, 2012

Curse you, you flashing cursor. You mock me with your perfectly timed flashing. You remind me that I’ve typed nothing, thought of nothing, and shared nothing. Damn you. You think this is easy? You try being interesting day after day. Oh right you can’t. You just hold my space for me.

You’re doing it again. Flashing at me impatiently, as if to say “Come on Mr. Writer Man, write something already!”

Hang on, I’m thinking dammit!

(Sigh)…Yeah…I’ve got nothing.

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Coming Soon:

Transformers in a corn field in MD?

26hr on a Greyhound bus

I am not a Millionaire

March 31, 2012

I did not win the world record breaking $640 million Mega Millions jackpot. My odd’s were 1 in 176 million against it, but it’s always nice to dream. I would love to get the chance to test the idiom “Money can’t buy happiness”. I’m willing to bet I could buy a whole lot of happiness with that kind of money. First I’d buy some land. A ranch maybe. Then I’d put together a group dedicated to the rescue and care of animals. Of course I’d do the other things that everyone else says too. I’d buy my parents a house. I’d pay off my bills, and my family’s bills. I’d buy a truck. I’d  get a couple rescue dogs and cats. I’d go to all the bike rallies I haven’t yet been to. I’d start crossing off items on my bucket list, and start adding more. I’d give more, travel more, play more, sleep better, and live more. Would I be happier?

Damn right I would be.

I’ve heard you can’t win If you don’t play. Of course, even if you play, you can’t win unless you’re very, very lucky.

 Mega Nuthin'

Click to Enlarge

odds

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Ted

March 28, 2012

When I was growing up I had a friend named Ted who lived next door.  I can see him now, a little chubby, kinda like “Chunk” from Goonies, but he had a short military style hair cut. Ted was fun to play with but he didn’t live next to us for very long, his Dad was a minister and evidently, they moved a lot. Anyway, what I remember most was how Ted’s mom used to call Ted in when we were all playing out side. She’d stand on the porch and yell out slowly “Ted…time to go to bed!” Now you have to imagine the most West Virginia or North Carolina country person you know, and then in their voice, in your mind, say it again. “Ted…time to go to bed!”

I’m sure we teased him mercilessly but I believe if Ted knew the truth he’d be having the last laugh. The truth is, I think of Ted often because when my dad wanted us to remember which way to turn the hose off he’d say turn it toward’s Ted’s house. I’ve never forgotten that. No matter where I am, no matter whose spigot I turn on, when I turn it off I think of Ted, and I smile and think “Ted…time to go to bed!”

Right Said Ted

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Memories of good Sax

March 27, 2012

I went out front to take pictures of my Dogwood tree blooming. It was a beautiful, cloudless day. The sun was low but not yet going down. As I started taking close-ups of the flowering petals, a sound drifted to me on the slight breeze…sounds…like…Jingle Bells?

Somewhere, close by in the neighborhood, a young music student was practicing his or her Saxophone outside.

What memories that sound recalled. As a kid, I had long arms and the music teacher suggested I play the trombone. I did, but I was always a bit envious of my brother who chose the clarinet, which led him to the saxophone. I remember going out into my front yard and blasting that silly horn. Playing the theme from M.A.S.H., and yes, probably Jingle Bells. The memory makes me smile. I should call my brother. Tell him I’m thinking of him. I hope he doesn’t mind I’m using his picture.

Sax Player '78

Click to enlarge

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Local Goth Girls

March 24, 2012

The add says “Meet Local Goths”. It’s in the right hand “Sponsored” add column on my Facebook page. My first thought was “Huh…people still dress..er…live that way?”  I’m a Man. Red blooded, meat eatin’, hard workin’, and all that.  I’ll “meet” any and all of the female persuasion.

Goth Girl

I'd "Meet" her.

My second thought was “Why would the ad target me?” You see, for years I’ve been teased with ads featuring large breasted women, seductive looking barely legal girls, the possible Ménage à trois, hook ups with biker chicks, chicks who want bikers, hot young single moms, 30 somethings, 40 somethings, cougars, M.I.L.F.s, girls who want big guys, and recently, Christian girls. Lord help me.

I think Vampires are sexy and secretly, I think it would be cool to be one. But I don’t dress like one, wear fangs, drink blood (or even red wine), or sleep in a box. I realize the goth thing is different. But let’s be honest, from the outside looking in, it’s really similar. I don’t want you to think I’m judging, I’m not. What makes this country great is it’s diversity. You should know though, whenever I see (and I haven’t for a seriously long time) a little goth girl I always wonder “Aw baby, who hurt you?”

FB ads Women

Like usual, Click to Enlarge

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I was thinking out loud in my head as I drove home tonight that life is fiction. It could be what ever you want it to be. But of course, that’s not exactly true. I mean, you may want to be a Shuttle astronaut, well that’s not gonna happen…unless you got in before they cancelled the program. You might aspire to be the Queen of England. Not. They’ve got one already. I guess my point is you can be almost anything you want (with in the bounds of physics).

 The future is unwritten. Go write yours.

Little Pirates

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Are You Stupid?

March 20, 2012

I was browsing aimlessly and found an interesting article about how stupid American adults are.

According to the national survey commissioned (3 years ago) by the California Academy of Sciences:

  • Only 53% of adults know how long it takes for the Earth to revolve around the Sun.
  • Only 59% of adults know that the earliest humans and dinosaurs did not live at the same time.
  • Only 47% of adults can roughly approximate the percent of the Earth’s surface that is covered with water.
  • Only 21% of adults answered all three questions correctly.

I’m encouraged by this. I truly thought way more than half of adults were stupid.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

Blue Moon

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Ew, Seriously? So Gross.

March 15, 2012

Make no mistake. I hate Geico. I hate the lizard. I hate the cavemen. I hate Maxwell, the ugly fat little pig. I realize i’m in the minority on that one. I’m so offended by the frequency and content of their commercials that I would never consider spending a dime with them. But, something strange happened recently. Someone at Geico made me laugh. Twice, now that I think about it. First it was the “Woodchucks” Chucking wood. Then it was the High School “Popular Girls” following the cheap wanna-be dieter. So reminded me of my nieces. I still wouldn’t buy insurance from them…unless…they made my commercial. The camera pans in…the gecko is trying to tell the cave man about Geico insurance. The caveman bites the head off the gecko, as he chews, a T-rex gobbles up the caveman…pull back to see Maxwell roasting over an open fire… on the ground in front of the fire we see a pinwheel and hear a faint, echoing “Weeeeeeee…” …and fade to black! I know…”dude, that is so totaly gross”.

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