Gods Monkey is an Independent

September 20, 2012

2 things I don’t do. 

I don’t do politics.
I vote, and I’ll talk to you about it with an open mind. The problem is there are too many fucknuts on the left and on the right and in the middle. Fucknuts everywhere.

I don’t do religion.
What I believe or don’t believe is personal. I won’t get in your face, don’t get in mine. I’ll talk to you about it with an open mind assuming you have an open mind. The problem is there are too many pious closed minded fucknuts out there. Fucknuts everywhere.

There might be more things I don’t do, but these are the two that come to mind.

Agree? Disagree? Thats ok with me.


Mixed Drinks and Pussy

September 3, 2012

A few years ago I set up a camera and filmed myself pouring my favorite drink. Today I just finished editing and uploading a video of one of my nephews  first JV high school football games. As I signed in to YouTube, I saw that the video of me mixing a drink had been viewed 527 times! I know some of you are thinking “What’s the big deal?” Well, for me, 527 of anything is a lot. So I was happy but also confused. It’s not like it’s a cat video, though I have one of those too, but damn, 527 views? Thanks. Drink up.

It was my first year of High School. I’d made the Junior Varsity Football team, the JV Basketball team, and the JV Baseball team. Back then not everyone who tried out made the team, unlike today. But that’s another story.

This story takes place on the baseball field. I remember it being cloudy, and kinda cool. I was one of two first-basemen and we were having batting practice. Batting practice consisted of one guy placing a ball into the pitching machine and the coach “coaching” each player as they took turns batting. The machine was on a tripod and had two big rubber wheels that would spin crazy fast. You put the ball in a shoot and the wheels would shoot it out at about 75 miles per hour. Ffffffoooop. Right across the plate. Every time. Coach Ace (not his real name) asked me to man the machine. Ffffffoooop. Smack! Hit! The players in the field would then field the balls that were hit. Easy. Ffffffoooop. Swing and a miss. Ffffffoooop.

The initial buzz of maning the machine quickly turned to boredom. One of the pitchers was next to me catching the balls the fielders were throwing back in. Ffffffoooop. The pitcher was talking to me as I was loading the next ball Ffffffoooop. Crack. Hit. Ffffffoooop. I turned for just a second to watch a great hit and automatically loaded the next ball…Ffffffoooop. I turned and stared in horror…. Coach Ace was standing at the plate giving the batter instructions. Time slowed down as I watched the 75 miles per hour fast ball hit the Coach right in the balls! I was horrified. You could have heard a pin drop on that field. When the coach was able to stand back up he Angrily yelled at me to get my ass to the locker room. I ran all the way.

Coach Ace was kind of a dick. Not a very nice guy. The Varsity guys who had him when they were JV’s hated him. As I sat scared of the unknown in that locker room, I heard the door burst open and the sound of cleats clacking on the floor. It was the Varsity catcher, he yelled out “Who pegged Ace?” I had to smile. It had been an accident, but no one believed me. I was a hero. Everyone wanted to congratulate me.

Coach Ace had calmed down by the time practice was over, and his scolding was rather tame. I’d like to think I rode the bench that year because of my accident, but I’ll never know.

Photo: pitchingmachines.us



Oh Shit! That’s what I said right after I took a couple of big gulps from my drink. (Sailor Jerry rum and Diet Pepsi – unfinished) What do I mean by unfinished? We’ll get back to that. First let me set the scene…

Saturday evening I’m at my brothers house, actually in his pool house. It’s where we watch the Redskins games and drink and smoke cigars. The game’s over (we won) and my brother left to pick up our other brother from another mother. While he’s gone I have been reading some of the coolest posts by some very talented and witty bloggers.

I think it was LaLa‘s post that mentioned that madame weebles “has big boobs”. I’m a man, so I thought I should just click over and check out those puppies for myself. I wasn’t disappointed. From what I gathered, they’re real and they’re magnificent.

I kept reading, and drinking. I was so engrossed in the lengthy fascinating comments section that I reached for my cup and, still reading, proceeded to gulp down several swallows of straight rum! Shit! I had forgotten to add the DP.

It was a good night despite the fact that the point to this post got lost somewhere after the 3rd or 4th drink. Football? Drinks? Boobs? Hell, I don’t know, and I don’t care. As my NY friends love to say and I hate to hear, “It is what it is.”


Now sober and well rested, I think the only way to salvage this drinkin’, smokin’, big boobin’ TMI fest is to share, with anyone who cares, some of the blogs that have captured my attention.

madame weebles
Domestic Diva MD
jillian levi
sweet mother


August 25, 2012

I don’t want to believe what I’m hearing. Someone who has done so much for so many found a way to cheat the system?  The USADA (U.S. anti-doping agency) has stripped Lance armstrong of his 7 Tour de France titles and banned him from the sport for life after he dropped his fight against the doping charges. We may never know the truth, unless Lance actually admits to doping. That seems unlikely considering his staunch denials over the years.

So what will happen to his endorsement deals? The bottom Line NBC News says “Nike plans to continue to support Lance and the Lance Armstrong Foundation.” Nike has helped raise over $100 million for Lance’s foundation Livestrong.

And this from the Wrap: “Our partnership with Lance remains unchanged,” Paul Chibe, Anheuser-Busch’s vice president of U.S. marketing, said in a statement. “He has inspired millions with his athletic achievement and his commitment to helping cancer survivors and their families.”

So at Least for now his endorsers will stand with him. Will you?

I’m flicking back and forth between “The Mentalist” and “The Big Bang Theory” . I’m out of cigars, so I’m smoking a Black and Mild. As I stare at the cursor flashing at me, daring me to write something original, I catch a whiff of the little cigar. It’s sweet, pipe tobacco actually. Immediately, I think of my friend Steve. We spent hours in his basement office sharing stories, talking of books and movies and women. Steve always smoked Black and Milds. Fylo, his cat would jump from Steve’s desk to mine looking for attention. It seems so long ago, those care free days hanging with Steve and Fylo. Fylo passed unexpectedly in 2008 and Steve met a great lady and moved to South Carolina. I haven’t seen him in years, though I think about him often. After Fylo passed I made this video slideshow for Steve.

If you’re still reading the Blog, I miss you bro.

Make sure your sound is on.

Remember this? I found it at the grocery store. I didn’t know they still made it.

Jiffy Pop

It got me thinking. When I was a kid we used to go camping just about every other weekend. MD, PA, WV, VA, mainly. Anyway, we used to stop on the way to a campground in PA at a little general store. There, we used to get these little fruit pies. I remember them being the tastiest little things I’ve ever had in my entire life. I know from experience that sometimes the reality doesn’t match up to the memory, but I sure wish I could find those pies. My parents tell me they think the company went out of business. Maybe I should investigate myself. Meanwhile,  I’ve got popcorn.

I’m a mac

August 20, 2012

I’ve been with Windows since Windows 3.0. I enjoyed Windows 95 and 98, suffered through Windows Me, and loved Windows Xp. I resisted Vista, but it won me over. I’ve had may PC’s over the years and the latest on came loaded with Windows 7. I do not like Windows 7. A few months ago I installed Windows 8 consumer evaluation copy. I absolutely hate it. It’s terrible. It seems to be completely designed for tablets. For a desktop, it is just horrible.

I’m a Graphic Designer and I’m comfortable with Windows. I’m also a big fan of Macs. I’ve owned 2 old iMacs, and when I went back to School to get my degree, the College had an awesome Mac lab stocked with smoking fast G5’s. I was in love.

Recently I had the good fortune to purchase a 6 month old Macbook Pro. It’s awesome! And fast! Everyday I’m learning more and loving it. That is until I decided to try the dictation app. This is the window that came up:


Why the hell would they need my contacts?!?

Anyway, I still love my Macbook pro.
Did I mention it has a back-lit keyboard?

No means no Jimmy

August 19, 2012

Jimmy Fallon makes me laugh.  He was great on Saturday Night live. He’s recently been in several Capital One credit card commercials that feature a baby girl as the only person who doesn’t want 50% more cash. That baby girl is so damn cute. I put two more links here and here. I saw a new one today but couldn’t find a link to it.

Here is baby Kylie watching herself.

Little bastard bit me!

August 18, 2012

I hate mosquitos. They love me, but I hate them. I can get bit just getting my mail. In a group they choose me over anyone else. Today I was talking with my parents on their screen porch. My dad spends hours in his garden and he has to “spray” himself up everyday just to go out. Anyway, Dad brought up the fact that when we were younger my brother and I used to play outside all the time and were never bothered by mosquitos. That jives with my own memories. Even as few as 10 years ago I could go out on my patio, read a book, grill, or just chillax without the threat of being eaten alive by these miserable creatures. Those days are long gone. I want to know why. I want to live out doors without having to spray my body. I want my outside back.