Gods Monkey is an Independent

September 20, 2012

2 things I don’t do. 

I don’t do politics.
I vote, and I’ll talk to you about it with an open mind. The problem is there are too many fucknuts on the left and on the right and in the middle. Fucknuts everywhere.

I don’t do religion.
What I believe or don’t believe is personal. I won’t get in your face, don’t get in mine. I’ll talk to you about it with an open mind assuming you have an open mind. The problem is there are too many pious closed minded fucknuts out there. Fucknuts everywhere.

There might be more things I don’t do, but these are the two that come to mind.

Agree? Disagree? Thats ok with me.

 

Give to the Church

April 25, 2012

When I was younger and one of my friends used the expression “Praying to the porcelain God” it meant only one thing. I was recently at a friends house and I noticed the name of the manufacturer of his…ah…throne, was CHURCH. I’m spiritual, not religious, so my first thought was “How poetic”. My second thought  (and the reason for this post) was “What better place to ‘Pray to the porcelain God’ than at a throne made by the Church?”  Fortunately, it’s been years since I’ve had to “Pray” from too much drinking. Thanks to Alanis Morissette I’m unsure as to what’s ironic so I’m not sure if it’s ironic or just an funny coincidence.

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Archer

April 11, 2012

I am told that I am funny. Not in a stand up comedy kind of way or a “Have you heard the one about…” joke telling kinda way. I’m the guy who breaks the tension with a quick witted quip. I see things many people miss and can quickly verbally post something funny about it. I can also usually find a movie quote to fit any situation. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat” Ok, most situations.

I’m definitely not like most people when it comes to what I think is funny. For instance, I have never laughed at anything Jay Leno has said. Ever. I do not think he’s funny at all. I’m the one guy who doesn’t “Love” Ray Ramono from Everybody Loves Raymond. Can’t stand him. His voice is so annoying. Never,  not even for a second, have I ever thought George Lopez was funny. Also add to the list of unfunny, Johnny Carson, Bob Hope, Jeff Foxworthy, Joan Rivers, and Rosey O’Donnell. I could go on and on about who I think is not funny, but I wont.

Who and or what do I think is funny? I’m glad you asked. As far as comedians? Ron white, Dane Cook, Dave Chappelle, and Tina Fey all make me laugh.

How about late night hosts Sam? Again, thanks for asking. Conan, Craig Ferguson, and Jimmy Kimmel, again, all make me laugh.

What about Daytime TV you say? Got that covered too. Ellen Degeneres is funny. Even when she’s serious, she’s funny.  And what list would be complete with out the Daily Show and the Cobert Report, though mostly the Daily Show. Smart and funny. (Just like I like my women)

For simply laugh out loud humor though, nothing beats the Family Guy. The Simpsons are a very close second.  But my favorite show to bust out laughing is a little gem know as Archer. It’s a smart and funny action packed crazy ADULT cartoon about a dysfunctional, arrogant, alcoholic, narcissistic, abusive, and rich Spy with mommy issues, and the group of characters that he works with for the Spy Agency ISIS. (His mother owns the agency.) Season 3, on FX just ended.

Archer

Poster from FX

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The 5 Seeing Habits

April 5, 2012

Deep breath…I was so angry tonight. I know it’s not healthy, to be so angry. But I just don’t understand why people are such shitty drivers. So rather than ranting on about the dipshit and douche bag drivers in my part of the world, I offer instead some tips that I picked up during my years as a U.P.S. Driver. They were rules for me, take them as tips for yourself. They will make you a better driver. Years ago I gave my mom a copy of the “Rules” and at seventy…ah…I mean twenty-nine…she is one senor citizen I am not afraid to ride with.

Rule 1: Aim High In Steering
Basically this means look down the road not just right in front of your vehicle. This lets you see any potential problems before they become your problem.

Rule 2: Get The Big Picture
Use all of your windshield. Avoid tunnel vision. See everything from left to right, like looking at a picture.

Rule 3: Keep Your Eyes Moving
Scan your mirrors. Use your mirrors! Be aware of who’s around you. Look forward and back, left and right.

Rule 4: Leave Yourself An Out
Try not to get boxed in. Always keep a space open to which you can escape. If the person next to you drifts into your lane and you’re boxed in you’re screwed. But if you’ve left yourself room to escape you can avoid a potential accident. Same thing if you’ve left yourself space in front. Say the car your following slams on their brakes, if you’ve left yourself space in front or on the left or right, and you’re following rules 1 and 2, then you can “escape” from rear ending someone.

Rule 5: Make Sure They See You
Use your turn signals, horn, lights, whatever it takes to make sure the other drivers see you. Never assume they see you.

In my opinion, these Rules should be translated into every language and made a mandatory part of any training to gain the privilege of driving.

Space and Visibility

Page 1

Check List

Page 2

My First Award

April 2, 2012

I may not have won the mega millions but I’m still a winner. My fellow blogger (and Harley rider) Stevie D was kind enough to nominate me for this award, my first! Stevie and his entourage take motorcycle trips around the globe and Stevie posts incredible pictures on his blog. You can find him here.

From what I’ve read, the Liebster Blog award is for bloggers that are creating some interesting posts but  haven’t yet gotten the exposure, recognition, or following that perhaps they should.

The rules are simple:

 1. Thank and link back to the blogger who honored you (see above). 

2. Copy and paste this award on your blog. 

3. Reveal 5 bloggers worthy of praise and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. 

I read somewhere they should have less than 200 followers, but most of the bloggers I follow have way more than that. So this is me breaking the rules.

These are some of the people who make me laugh and make me think.

Enjoy.

No particular order.

http://25andfly.wordpress.com/

http://ashleyjillian.com/

http://storiesandsweetpotatoes.com/

http://talesofacharmcitychick.com/

http://domesticdivamd.com/

All beautifully talented writers.

Thanks again to Stevie D for your kind words and for the nomination!

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Thrown or Blown

March 29, 2012

I don’t care which, thrown or blown. Your bad habits have affected my life. Your casual attitude and belief that what you do makes no difference makes me sick. You say stupid things like “ Who cares” and “It’s my world” as if that some how excuses your deplorable behavior. I want to say I don’t blame you, that it’s your upbringing or your culture. But at some point, despite your parents shortcomings or where you came from, you should (we hope) grow up and realize that what you are doing is wrong. I despise your indifference to my outrage. If I could, I’d make you live for a year in your own filth in a land fill. I’m tired of picking up your trash. Every day of the week I find your garbage in my yard. Thrown or blown, the trash in my yard came first from your guilty little hand you piece of crap.

Trash

Click to Enlarge

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Local Goth Girls

March 24, 2012

The add says “Meet Local Goths”. It’s in the right hand “Sponsored” add column on my Facebook page. My first thought was “Huh…people still dress..er…live that way?”  I’m a Man. Red blooded, meat eatin’, hard workin’, and all that.  I’ll “meet” any and all of the female persuasion.

Goth Girl

I'd "Meet" her.

My second thought was “Why would the ad target me?” You see, for years I’ve been teased with ads featuring large breasted women, seductive looking barely legal girls, the possible Ménage à trois, hook ups with biker chicks, chicks who want bikers, hot young single moms, 30 somethings, 40 somethings, cougars, M.I.L.F.s, girls who want big guys, and recently, Christian girls. Lord help me.

I think Vampires are sexy and secretly, I think it would be cool to be one. But I don’t dress like one, wear fangs, drink blood (or even red wine), or sleep in a box. I realize the goth thing is different. But let’s be honest, from the outside looking in, it’s really similar. I don’t want you to think I’m judging, I’m not. What makes this country great is it’s diversity. You should know though, whenever I see (and I haven’t for a seriously long time) a little goth girl I always wonder “Aw baby, who hurt you?”

FB ads Women

Like usual, Click to Enlarge

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Ew, Seriously? So Gross.

March 15, 2012

Make no mistake. I hate Geico. I hate the lizard. I hate the cavemen. I hate Maxwell, the ugly fat little pig. I realize i’m in the minority on that one. I’m so offended by the frequency and content of their commercials that I would never consider spending a dime with them. But, something strange happened recently. Someone at Geico made me laugh. Twice, now that I think about it. First it was the “Woodchucks” Chucking wood. Then it was the High School “Popular Girls” following the cheap wanna-be dieter. So reminded me of my nieces. I still wouldn’t buy insurance from them…unless…they made my commercial. The camera pans in…the gecko is trying to tell the cave man about Geico insurance. The caveman bites the head off the gecko, as he chews, a T-rex gobbles up the caveman…pull back to see Maxwell roasting over an open fire… on the ground in front of the fire we see a pinwheel and hear a faint, echoing “Weeeeeeee…” …and fade to black! I know…”dude, that is so totaly gross”.

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I did well plowing last season. But I didn’t plow once this season. Where I live, (Wasington DC Metro area) we experience all 4 seasons…sort of. We had a month, maybe month and a half of cold weather, winter weather. We had a dusting of snow, the kind they get in the south where people come out and say “What the hell is that ya’ll?” ( I love my southern family and friends) But we never really got a big, school closing, government shut down-ing, “Snowmageddon”. The kind of storm we had last year…twice. The kind we had as kids. We didn’t stop livin’ cause it was cold. Winter is part of the seasonal cycle. The trouble is, usually, when we get little to no snow, and a short winter, we get an ungodly hot and humid Summer. And that’s the real kick in the pants, the humidity. If our summer weather were like the weather in San Diego, you’d never hear me complain. As long as I also got my winter snow.

We’re in a sorta pre-spring, spring now. Spring starting in February, with a few cold nights in March to balance things. And I’m predicting a short spring and a long hot summer. I do so hope I am wrong. I believe monkeys throwing poo could predict the weather better than our local weatherpeople. Having said that I’m not a weatherman nor a poo slinging monkey so my prediction means…poo.

 

Brick from http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/183255/celebrating_anchormans_brick_tamland.html

Monkey from http://boltbarbers.com/

I had lunch with some friends at a really tasty Mexican restaurant, Rosa Mexicano. Great food, service, and experience. My friends were raving about the fresh guacamole and asked if I wanted some. I said no because…well… I’ve always said no. Guacamole has never “looked” right to me. I know some of you are thinking “Are you kidding/crazy/weird/serious/king of the carnivores?” I am serious, and I am a carnivore, but here’s the thing, 9 times out of 10 I’m right. If it doesn’t look right to me, it usually doesn’t taste right to me. Deviled eggs? Look nasty to me. Taste nasty to me. Egg salad? Uggg…(I love eggs any way except these two)

I’m not a kid, so when I say I don’t care for something, the implication is I’ve tried it and didn’t find it to my liking. But the reality this time was I had never tried guacamole before. I was thinking about this as the guacamole maker rolled a cart out to our table and began an elegant process of making fresh guacamole. I watched cilantro, chives/onions, jalapenos, oil, and salt go into a pestle. Followed by an avocado and then another round of cilantro, chives/onions, jalapenos, and salt. Last into the mix were the chopped tomatoes.

Truthfully? It just looked like a mess. But I love cilantro, and onions, and tomatoes, and jalapeno don’t bother me. So, the only unknown was the avocado. Sigh. I quickly picked up a chip, scooped up some of the truly disgusting green goop, popped it in my mouth and…

Wow! That’s not bad…I scooped again. I had to make sure it wasn’t a fluke…Yum!  My friends suggested we order another…I’m in!