Little bastard bit me!
August 18, 2012
I hate mosquitos. They love me, but I hate them. I can get bit just getting my mail. In a group they choose me over anyone else. Today I was talking with my parents on their screen porch. My dad spends hours in his garden and he has to “spray” himself up everyday just to go out. Anyway, Dad brought up the fact that when we were younger my brother and I used to play outside all the time and were never bothered by mosquitos. That jives with my own memories. Even as few as 10 years ago I could go out on my patio, read a book, grill, or just chillax without the threat of being eaten alive by these miserable creatures. Those days are long gone. I want to know why. I want to live out doors without having to spray my body. I want my outside back.
The 5 Seeing Habits
April 5, 2012
Deep breath…I was so angry tonight. I know it’s not healthy, to be so angry. But I just don’t understand why people are such shitty drivers. So rather than ranting on about the dipshit and douche bag drivers in my part of the world, I offer instead some tips that I picked up during my years as a U.P.S. Driver. They were rules for me, take them as tips for yourself. They will make you a better driver. Years ago I gave my mom a copy of the “Rules” and at seventy…ah…I mean twenty-nine…she is one senor citizen I am not afraid to ride with.
Rule 1: Aim High In Steering
Basically this means look down the road not just right in front of your vehicle. This lets you see any potential problems before they become your problem.
Rule 2: Get The Big Picture
Use all of your windshield. Avoid tunnel vision. See everything from left to right, like looking at a picture.
Rule 3: Keep Your Eyes Moving
Scan your mirrors. Use your mirrors! Be aware of who’s around you. Look forward and back, left and right.
Rule 4: Leave Yourself An Out
Try not to get boxed in. Always keep a space open to which you can escape. If the person next to you drifts into your lane and you’re boxed in you’re screwed. But if you’ve left yourself room to escape you can avoid a potential accident. Same thing if you’ve left yourself space in front. Say the car your following slams on their brakes, if you’ve left yourself space in front or on the left or right, and you’re following rules 1 and 2, then you can “escape” from rear ending someone.
Rule 5: Make Sure They See You
Use your turn signals, horn, lights, whatever it takes to make sure the other drivers see you. Never assume they see you.
In my opinion, these Rules should be translated into every language and made a mandatory part of any training to gain the privilege of driving.
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Thrown or Blown
March 29, 2012
I don’t care which, thrown or blown. Your bad habits have affected my life. Your casual attitude and belief that what you do makes no difference makes me sick. You say stupid things like “ Who cares” and “It’s my world” as if that some how excuses your deplorable behavior. I want to say I don’t blame you, that it’s your upbringing or your culture. But at some point, despite your parents shortcomings or where you came from, you should (we hope) grow up and realize that what you are doing is wrong. I despise your indifference to my outrage. If I could, I’d make you live for a year in your own filth in a land fill. I’m tired of picking up your trash. Every day of the week I find your garbage in my yard. Thrown or blown, the trash in my yard came first from your guilty little hand you piece of crap.
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Ew, Seriously? So Gross.
March 15, 2012
Make no mistake. I hate Geico. I hate the lizard. I hate the cavemen. I hate Maxwell, the ugly fat little pig. I realize i’m in the minority on that one. I’m so offended by the frequency and content of their commercials that I would never consider spending a dime with them. But, something strange happened recently. Someone at Geico made me laugh. Twice, now that I think about it. First it was the “Woodchucks” Chucking wood. Then it was the High School “Popular Girls” following the cheap wanna-be dieter. So reminded me of my nieces. I still wouldn’t buy insurance from them…unless…they made my commercial. The camera pans in…the gecko is trying to tell the cave man about Geico insurance. The caveman bites the head off the gecko, as he chews, a T-rex gobbles up the caveman…pull back to see Maxwell roasting over an open fire… on the ground in front of the fire we see a pinwheel and hear a faint, echoing “Weeeeeeee…” …and fade to black! I know…”dude, that is so totaly gross”.
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Poo Slinging Monkeys and Weathermen
March 5, 2012
I did well plowing last season. But I didn’t plow once this season. Where I live, (Wasington DC Metro area) we experience all 4 seasons…sort of. We had a month, maybe month and a half of cold weather, winter weather. We had a dusting of snow, the kind they get in the south where people come out and say “What the hell is that ya’ll?” ( I love my southern family and friends) But we never really got a big, school closing, government shut down-ing, “Snowmageddon”. The kind of storm we had last year…twice. The kind we had as kids. We didn’t stop livin’ cause it was cold. Winter is part of the seasonal cycle. The trouble is, usually, when we get little to no snow, and a short winter, we get an ungodly hot and humid Summer. And that’s the real kick in the pants, the humidity. If our summer weather were like the weather in San Diego, you’d never hear me complain. As long as I also got my winter snow.
We’re in a sorta pre-spring, spring now. Spring starting in February, with a few cold nights in March to balance things. And I’m predicting a short spring and a long hot summer. I do so hope I am wrong. I believe monkeys throwing poo could predict the weather better than our local weatherpeople. Having said that I’m not a weatherman nor a poo slinging monkey so my prediction means…poo.
Brick from http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/183255/celebrating_anchormans_brick_tamland.html
Monkey from http://boltbarbers.com/
